Men: Chase Adrenaline - Save Your Marriage

I scrolled past an Instagram reel the other day that made more sense than I expected. The creator laid it out plain: men are wired to hunt, compete, conquer, and win. We all have our own version of this. For me it was hosting a hunting TV show, starting businesses, building, competing, and winning. For others it’s learning, gaming (I’m not a fan), DJ’ing, adventure races, cars, or anything else that defines who a man is.

Then life happens. Marriage, kids, mortgages, corporate politics, pressure. That fire gets buried under routine, responsibilities, and resentment.

Single-Adam spent a ton of time on the road: new cities, new friends, new hunting spots. It filled my cup. Even after Jenelle and I were married, we kept that lifestyle, just did it together. When the pandemic killed travel I went back to my roots and got on a motocross track again. It felt good to wrench on a bike and pin the throttle.

Then work pressure ramped up. Jenelle and I lost our daughter. We fought through years of fertility treatments that finally gave us Ford. Then we had a newborn. And somewhere in all of that… I lost myself. I was living to work and survive the pressure. I lost my outlet, and I lost joy.

There were nights I’d sit in the dark garage after Ford went down and stare at where my dirtbikes used to be. I bought another new car. I felt empty. That’s when you know you’re in trouble: when the things that used to light you up feel distant and out of reach.

Many guys bury it. Misery, weight gain, food, booze. And some guys miss the rush so badly they go looking for it in the worst possible place: other women. The reel was right: the affair usually isn’t about the other woman. It’s about trying to feel young, alive, and free again, like time-traveling back to the man who didn’t have to adult 24/7.

There’s truth in the evolutionary story (men’s infidelity tends to be about novelty, women’s more about emotional connection), but biology is not destiny. Failing to give that energy a constructive outlet is, in my opinion, the ultimate form of weakness.

As a former competitive BMX rider, motocross racer, mountain biker, and a guy who got addicted to the rush of combat, I know the void better than most. When the helmets come off and the deployments end, the emptiness can be overwhelming. The same wiring that kept me alive on the streets of Baghdad or convinced me to send a 100-foot triple still tastes like dust and cordite twenty years later. That switch never turns off. It just waits for orders.

Right after I retired from the Army I was a train wreck, terrible in relationships, a reckless friend, and absolutely dangerous with Terry on our “blood-money” Harleys. How either of us are still breathing is a mystery. Most guys don’t go that extreme, but too many still answer that scream with secrecy and self-destruction instead of strategy and strength.

There’s a better way. And it will literally save your marriage, your sanity, and your soul.

1. Give the beast an outlet
   You need something that spikes your heart rate, demands focus, and leaves you physically spent.
   • Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (getting choked unconscious by another grown man weirdly heals the soul)
   • Hunting in the back country
   • Track days, enduro rides, or throwing a barbell around until you see stars
   • Ice baths, obstacle races, ultras, whatever reminds your nervous system you’re still in the game

   These aren’t “nice-to-haves.” For me they’re maintenance, same as brushing my teeth. Over the years I’ve chased trail running, Ironmans, mountain biking, road biking, rock climbing, and travel. If you think you “don’t have time,” remember I trained for an Ironman while working 70-hour weeks and traveling constantly. You don’t find time; you steal it from anywhere you can. It’s not easy or comfortable, but it’s worthwhile.
   

2. Build your tribe
   Lone wolves die young, both literally and figuratively. Find men who train hard, have aligned values, and want to get better. The garage gym crew, Thursday-night BJJ, Bible study, the dawn ruck group; these guys become your accountability, your therapy, and often your best friends. Real masculinity isn’t suffering in silence; it’s choosing to improve your life, and it’s always easier together.

   I’ve buried too many friends who never found their five guys. Suicide rates for men 35–54 are obscene for a reason. Your tribe isn’t a luxury; it’s your insurance policy.
   

   Right now my tribe is basically me and Eric once a week. I need to do better. We all can. Here’s the dirty secret: most of us are one text away from starting one. Today, I am sending four guys: “Saturday 0600, 5-mile ruck, coffee after. No excuses.” That’s how tribes are built, one awkward text at a time.
   

3. Say the hard thing out loud
   The strongest man in the room is the one who can look his wife in the eye and say, “I love you and the kids more than anything, but some days I feel like I’m disappearing. I need to go punch myself in the face at the gym a few nights a week so I can be fully here when I come home.”
   

   Vulnerability isn’t weakness. Most women would rather buy you a gym membership than bury you at 50 from a stress heart attack, or lose you to someone else.
   

   A few months ago I felt us slipping, so I sat Jenelle down and told her exactly how hollow I was feeling. I asked her to start therapy with me, not because we were broken, but because I never wanted us to get there.

Your primal wiring isn’t the enemy. Neglecting it is.

You have a responsibility, to your family and to yourself, to be the best man you can be. Do good work, do hard things, invest in yourself, and be brutally clear about your needs. Most families don’t blow up from one big betrayal; they erode from years of laziness and unspoken resentment.

Ford is ten months old. Every time we walk into the garage he makes a beeline for his balance bike or my old dirt bike and grabs the handlebars. He’s never seen me ride, and he can barely stand on his own bike, but he already knows those machines are something special. I don’t want his first memory of Dad to be a burnt-out guy scrolling his phone on the couch. I want him to remember a man who still had dirt under his nails and fire in his eyes at 70. That story starts with the choices I make this year.

So here’s what I’m doing: I rebuilt my home gym, bought a sauna, and I’m building my garage gang. I’m shopping for a new motocross bike. And come January I’m walking away from the job that was no longer serving me. It’s time to get back to building, creating, and making the world better for my son.

I’m not saying you have to quit your job, but you do have to do something. Your older self will thank you.

Chase the rush. Build the brotherhood. Speak the truth.
Do these things relentlessly and you won’t need to chase ghosts from your past, because your present will feel alive again.

And your family gets to keep the man they fell in love with.